Kyle David

When I was 20 years old I was pregnant with my first child...
My son, Kyle David!
The pregnancy came as a shock to those around me, I was 20 years old and not married.
However I felt from the very beginning that God had a special purpose for Kyle.

This Holiday season I am taken back to that time in my life...It was Christmas time and I was pregnant. Overwhelmed with emotion and excitement for the new life growing inside of me, yet apprehensive of the responsibility to come. I knew the road I had chosen would be hard,
It was a very lonely time for me. My boyfriend and I had broken up and I was dealing with the guilt/condemnation of my mistakes. I felt like no one understood me or what I was going through.
Alone...
I had very little, if any, understanding of what Gods grace was.
I still knew that this baby, my son, would change my life forever...

Right after Christmas, I had a severe asthma attack. I was hospitalized with pneumonia and severe asthma all while 3 months pregnant.
One of my most tender memories from my 2 weeks in the hospital was that of my mom and I. She combed my hair and shaved my legs and arm pits.

You see, I felt like I had disappointed my mom, that she was ashamed of me and my growing belly, that I was un-lovable. So her tender act of love meant so much more to me than a nice shave, to me it was an tender expression of her heart for her daughter. That, no matter what, I was still her little girl that needed her mommy. No matter what, I was loved!!
My mom came to the hospital every day. Every day I accepted her love more and more and began to slowly feel less unworthy of her love and able to embrace her heart for me. Each day closer to understanding the love of a mother.

After coming home from the hospital my life took on a bit of a routine...the days were long and the nights were met with a song for my baby boy growing in my belly.
Each night before bed I would sing to him "Jesus Loves you". I wanted my son to understand the unconditional love of Jesus, unlike his mother..who at 20 was still trying to comprehend it.

Months later, I woke up in the middle of the night with extreme pain in my stomach.
Off to the emergency room we went. All I remember of that night was the pain was too much to bear...no songs of love, no tender memories, just pain.
I was experiencing "placenta abrubtion"...where the placenta separates from the uterus before the baby is born. My son, Kyle was still-born (born dead) at 25 weeks.

The days that followed were a mixture of peace and sorrow. As my head took in the loss, my heart felt a peace beyond understanding. The comfort I experienced at that time was unlike any I have felt before, I took comfort in the fact that my son was with the Lord, that my son never took a breath of the sinful air of the world, my son was at peace, my son had a very special purpose.

In the midst of trials we rarely see the "why"..it is after the fact that we can see the Lords hand at work in the very midst of each trial. How He held me when I grieved, how He showed me love through my parents, how He taught me about His grace and forgiveness, How He loves me unconditionally...
Once again, I always knew Kyle David had a special purpose.

I love you son! My sweet angel, Kyle David

Worth a thousand words...

They say a picture is "worth a thousand words"...
Pictures capture the moments that pass in a blink of an eye...the moments we take for granted or miss all together.
I wanted to share some special moments with you from last weekend!!!
The pictures speak for themselves:)














I'm so thankful for precious moments with my family. The moments that were captured will never be forgotten.
My prayer for all of us this Thanksgiving is that we take time to enjoy the simple moments, to be "present", to capture the small blessings we are given each day!

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good..
His love endures forever!!

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!!!!

Heartache and joy

Have you ever experienced PURE JOY and extreme SADNESS at the same moment?
Have you ever felt your heart ripping in half while experience the excitement of new life?

Let me stop writing in riddles and explain..
Most of you know that last year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent Chemo and has been in remission for the past several months...or so we thought.
Moms cancer is back, this time it spread to her bones and she is in stage 4 bone cancer. The cancer is in her spine, her kidneys, her liver and several other parts of her body. The pain is unbearable for her at times. She is undergoing radiation and chemo right now...The prognosis isn't good.
Forgive me if my writing reads more like a child, I apologize...It is hard to put into words something that I truly can't comprehend. I NEVER imagined losing my mom at such an early age, I NEVER imagined that she wouldn't be there for my children, I NEVER thought about my life without my mommy...I just never imagined....

In the midst of all of this..there is hope:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Hope comes in many forms, right now that form is that of 2 precious unborn babies that are growing in my belly!
Hope of a faithful God, that He does listen to our prayers! He plans to prosper me, not to harm, He gives me a future and a hope.
I believe the best Hope of all is that He has a plan...it's all going to be ok, He is in control.
Please hear my heart here... I have questions, I have bitterness, I have a hard time comprehending a loving God taking my mom from me at this time in my life, I have anger...The biggest one being my "WHY?"..
Why now Lord?
Why my mom?
In my "human-ness" I want different answers, I want Him to heal my mom. In my spirit, I want His will for my mom and for myself as well...even if it tears my heart out in the process.
It has been a daily struggle for me to release what my flesh wants for what my spirit wants...
HOWEVER...
I choose to believe my God, I choose to lay all my life, my expectations, my futures, my hopes, my children at His feet...He calms my fears with a simple response..."I am in control, my timing is PERFECT...

My prayer is that the Lord would not waste my pain, not waste my struggle, not waste my heartache..that He would use me to reach others that are hurting and struggling with the "whys" of life...

Ultimately this isn't about me or my mom or my pregnancy...This is about choosing to believe, in whatever circumstance, that God is in full control and He has a plan...
I want to give God ALL the glory, only look to Him for comfort and answers!!
Only He has the perfect plan for me and for you:)

I am a MOM part two

The only thing better than finding out you are pregnant....Is finding out that you are having TWINS!!!!!!
That's right, WE ARE HAVING TWINS!!!


2 weeks after we found out we were pregnant, I went in for my first ultrasound. We hadn't planned on Trav coming since we were just confirming the pregnancy. We didn't want him to take time off work just to confirm what we already knew.
BUT, when the day finally arrived...I was so scared! I wanted Trav there with me, I wanted him by my side...mainly out of fear, but I just wanted my best-friend to hold my hand.

As I get to my RE office, I change in to the gown and sit in the room and wait...
I waited for 25 minutes in that room. I was doing breathing exercises to stay calm and singing a song I didn't even know but it brought me such PEACE!! The only words I knew were "It is well, with my soul" I just repeated those words over and over.

The Dr. comes in and we start the ultrasound...there was silence...The nurse June was by my side, rubbing my arm, that's when I saw one of the babies for the first time. The DR. turned the screen so that I could see and showed me a black hole circle thing.

"Do you see it?" he asked
"umm, I just see a black hole" (me)
"yes! That's the baby" he said
Then he did something so AMAZING.....He moved to his right and I saw a glimpse of another black hole
"Wait, what is that?" (me)
"Shh...He is counting the babies" Nurse June
"WHAT?!?!," (me) with tears running down my cheeks and praising the Lord
"Ok, Carey,,,we see 2 babies! You are pregnant with TWINS!" Dr

At that point I just lost it, I was crying for joy and sad that my husband was absent from this incredible moment.
After my secret moments of bliss, the Dr said something that threw me back into reality:
"I can only get one heartbeat, the other is too faint. Let's not tell anyone about the twins yet, let's just wait and see"

Clearly this Dr doesn't know me very well...WAIT AND SEE???
Wait and see what? I see twins and I want to scream it to the world!!
BUT, I take a deep breath and go back to work...knowing secretly that my life is about to get turned upside down....and I can't wait!!!!!!!

To be Continued.............
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

I am ...

A MOM!!!!!! (Part one)

I am 9 weeks pregnant and I am A MOM,
I can talk to my baby
I carry my baby with me all day
I can sing to my baby
I feed my baby
I hold my baby
I can put my baby to sleep
I can pray for my baby
I am 9 weeks pregnant and I am A MOM!!!

Waiting Room...

Working in a Doctor’s office, I am familiar with the "waiting room"....
The purpose of a waiting room is to distract you from realizing that they are actually "behind or late" and they sometimes play a TV to grab your attention or there are the gossip magazines that can draw you in...Or the pamphlets that are from the 70's, or the person next to you that wants to chat...Yes there are many distractions in the waiting room...what you won't find in most waiting rooms is A CLOCK!!!
No record of how long you have been in that room, no record of the time you have wasted, no record of it at all.

The waiting room I currently reside in is one that I have been in for years...the waiting room of "infertility".In THIS room there are not many distractions...only reminders. Reminders that everyone has been called in to see the Dr., but not me, reminders of a life I so desire, but have to "wait: for. In this room there is a constant reminder of the "time"...month to month I am reminded of my un-meet desires.
My room holds no promise that I will ever actually venture inside.
The waiting room is my life...

There are others that are in this room with me, other hearts that ache to hold their own baby, other women that have experienced the blessing of a growing belly, then without warning...been sent back to the waiting room, there are many that sit beside me , many that have cried with me, and many more that have silently suffered.
As I look around the room, I pray. I pray for the broken hearts to be healed, for the tears to be wiped away, I pray for MY heart to begin to heal, for the pain that comes when we see another pregnant woman, for the frustration of the "unexplained" diagnosis, I pray for the horrible mood swings caused by hormone injections, I pray for all our husbands, I pray for the families of the infertile...For the families to understand that this is not our choice...this is not our fault...this is not the time to start buying baby clothes...
This is a time to join us in prayer! Join us in our sadness, join us in our brokenness, let us know that it is OK to feel this way, let us know that we are not disappointing you...Most of all, let us know that you love us just the way we are.

Infertility affects the WHOLE family. There is no cure, no easy answers...We just want our families to sit with us in the "waiting room."
Sit with us, just be with us and maybe just maybe the waiting won't be so bad...

If you know someone that is struggling in this waiting room, will you join me in prayer for them? Will you let them know you are there for them, even if you don't understand, just be there to offer a hug!
Don't leave them alone in that room...just sit with them...just sit:)
Galatians 6:2
2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

"Poke me"

Today was a BIG day.
Today was the day we have been waiting for.
Today was the day that we didn't make it to on our last cycle.
Today was the Cycle 11 day ultrasound...

Today started out like any other Friday, me waking up with the dog right by my face, relaxing until I absolutely have to get up, took a shower, walked the dog and headed out to my appointment...
I failed to realize that I was not appropriately dressed for the "public"...I was in my "at home only" itty bitty, see thru tank top WITH my yoga pants and flip flops:)
ekkkkkkkkk...Before I walked out the door I did have the mind to grab a jacket in case I got cold.
As I am driving to the Dr's..I get cold, so I reach for my jacket and my "jacket" is actually a very dressy turtleneck sweater...At this point I look down and realize what I really have on!!!! I LOVE a good laugh, but on this very important day I was in no mood....
So I did what any other woman in my position would do: I drove DIRECTLY to Kohl's to go buy myself some appropriate clothing that would cover-up the WHOLE outfit...
(you should know that my Dr is in Irvine, and I was driving on the freeway by the time I figured out my outfit sucked)
I did have a good laugh at myself because what I actually purchased was an over sized men's T-shirt that had a picture of the Pillsbury Dough boy on it that said "POKE ME"
My only thinking was go cheap and to go big, something that would just cover...:)
Sometimes I think the Lord allows these things to happen to me, so I can take a moment to just breath and turn my eyes toward him and not me......ahh man was I an "interesting" sight at the Dr's.

Fast Forward 1 hour:
The Dr was pleased to see 2 follicles on the right ovary, each 16mm in size...
So this means that the Clomid did its job and we are right on track for the next step in our IUI cycle.
The next step is the HCG shot. The HCG shot is a "trigger" shot for ovulation, once given the shot I will ovulate within 24-36 hours. Trav received only written instructions on how to administer the shot...ekkkkkkk!!
He says the shot is the part he is the most nervous about..:)
We have to set an alarm for early Sunday morning for 1am...The shot is VERY time sensitive, so it MUST be done at this time only.

We have the IUI scheduled for Monday the 27th at 11am!!!!!!!
We are very excited to take the next step in the Cycle...this will be new territory for us, but we are ready!!!
To my amazement, Dr A never once questioned my choice of shirt, or the flip flops!!!

I am strangley peaceful...
Today was a BIG day, yet I felt peace throughout
Today I feel good!
I am at Peace

Here we go again!!!

We have officially started our 2nd cycle of IUI....truly our first FULL cycle of IUI.
I had the first ultrasound on Thursday and the Doctor said we were good to start all the medication!
He also said a few things that caused me alarm:
The lining of my uterus is thick..."Many women have conceived with thick lining"
I have a large Fibroid..."But it isn't in the way of your ovaries, unless it grows or we see more at the next ultrasound"
My left ovary was "hiding", being pushed by the Fibroid
My uterus is tilted..."This isn't a reason for infertility"

Dr. A said that none of these are a reason for infertility, and most women can conceive with one of more of these...BUT I left that appointment really confused.
I am really bad at thinking in the moment. If I have any questions, they usually come to me a day after the appointment or when I try to relay the information to Trav. Trav is good at "on the spot" thinking, therefore he always gets his questions answered. When I go by myself, I almost never get my questions answered...at the time of the appointment I really don't have any!

After talking with Trav, he is going to my next ultrasound. I'm really looking forward to having him by my side and him being able to ask the right questions.
The Cycle 10 day ultrasound is new territory for us, and this is the appointment where the Dr. can see if the medication is working.
When Clomid is used, the hope is that I will produce 2-4 follicles. Follicles are tiny fluid-filled sacs which carry and egg. The more follicles I have, the more possible eggs I have!
Each follicle must be within 16-24 mm in size. The size of the follicles dictates whether or not it contains a viable egg. If the ultrasound indicates that the follicles are not big enough, the IUI is cancelled and I am put on a stronger dosage of the Clomid, and we try again in a month.

Please join us in prayer as the anticipation and anxiety rises!
Pray for me (Carey) to relax
Pray for the meds to do their thing
Pray for Travis and I...this isn't easy to go thru, it is hard on your marriage, your patience, and your intimacy.

Camping!!!

We took a "mini" camping trip to O'Neill Park over the weekend!
A few of our friends had never been camping before, so Trav being the Eagle Scout that he is, really wanted to take them and show them a good time!
It was probably the fastest camping trip EVER! We only stayed one night, but this turned out to be perfect.



We took a small hike, lots of pictures, played Frisbee and just relaxed. It was a really nice break for Trav, it was so good to see him relaxing. We also celebrated Travs b-day!! Elise made brownies and we sang to him:)


Poor Elise was so sick, you won't see her in any pictures...poor thing...Deneva and I laughed a lot! From her making funny noises to cover up my funny noises, to sticking candy all over our shirts...to playing catch...Whatever we do, we always laugh!


I really enjoyed watching the mother/daughter relationship between Deneva and Megan...It is refreshing to see that they still hold hands and sit laps..I guess, we are always just our mommies little girls


Maddy, Darrin, Ashton and Megan climbed this HUGE tree! Oh man...those kids have so much energy!!!


7 Truths about our camping trip!
1. Yes, Its true...some men read directions
2. Even Eagle Scouts burn themselves on fire
3. Rocks make really good toys for kids
4. Yes....camping is dirty!!
5. Deneva only wore 7 bracelets on the first day:)
6. Trav and I are LOUD
7. It was a PERFECT weekend with friends!!

Infertility Update

I finally found a pharmacy that would administer my Rubella shot! Trav and I were out for a late night snack and we walked into a Rite Aid. Did you know they now offer all kinds of immunizations, so we thought we would ask about a MMR (adult) shot! Thank you to Kelly at the Los Alamitos Rite Aide!
I GOT MY SHOT!!!

I only have about 2 more weeks to wait before we can continue with our treatment...or rather, start over with our treatment!

My mom wanted to make sure that everyone knows she DID get my shots when I was a little girl! I had the Rubella shot in 1979:) Thank you mom for taking care of me:)
She called me today when she found my shot records...as well as all my report cards and my school pictures!
I declined her offer to take all my report cards back, and she can keep all those awful "awkward" pictures too!

Romans 8:28
In all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose

You are Enough!!

After a very emotional evening, I needed a word, a whisper, a gentle reminder of my hearts purpose!
I found myself looking to the Psalms for answers, encouragement, anything that would give my heart peace...

Psalm 63:3-5 (New Living Translation)
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy.

His love is better than ANYTHING...even the blessing of a child
How I praise Him
I will praise YOU as long as I live...even if I never hear the tender words "I love you mommy"
Lifting my hands, my sorrows, my dreams, my heart to YOU in prayer
You satisfy me me more than the finest foods...even chocolate:)
I WILL PRAISE YOU!

This Psalm points me back to the basics!!!
His love is better than anything else!!
Prayer + Worship + Praise = Purpose!!!!
I will praise YOU! This is my focus, my purpose, my daily goal!
Thank you Lord for the simple reminder that YOU are my purpose...
Teach me Lord to look outside of my situation to see you at work.
Teach me that serving You is purpose enough for me.
You are enough!

Wait means "Hide"...Right??

When God said "wait" to me, my heart hears HIDE..
Hide your disappointment
Hide your true feelings
Hide from those that just don't "get it"
Hide yourself from those that are pregnant
Hide yourself from babies
Hide yourself in the comfort of your house
Just HIDE

Hide: to put or keep out of sight, to cover up, to conceal..Most of us hide a portion of ourselves from others. The parts that we aren't proud of, the things that we think are not acceptable, the innermost parts of our hearts and the fears that run so deep within us we cannot.. will not.. speak of them.
What I have found to be true of myself is that I hide when things don't go my way or when things are difficult.
I revert back to my 5 year old self...I throw an adult tantrum, arguing with the Lord, pleading with Him for "my way", kicking and screaming inside my heart and I hide beneath the comfort of my throw blanket...all while laying on my couch.
While I know the Lords wants us to have the heart of children, I highly doubt that was what he meant.

My desire to hide is fear driven. I fear that if people truly knew how I felt, they would reject me. So in an effort to protect myself, I hide. Self-preservation keeps me hiding from people...

I have yet to understand why I choose to hide from the Lord. I keep my disappointments to myself, I hide my frustration, I hide my anger, I hide my dreams, I hide myself.
There is a very old song called "You are my hiding place"...
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You! I will trust in You!
This song reminds me that HE is my hiding place. So often I forget that He is the one I can run to. He can handle my "truth", He can handle my raw emotions. HE is my comfort, not my blankie. I am not a child, BUT I am HIS princess...HE can still hold me and quiet my tears. He views my adult tantrums as a good thing! It is a side effect of "my will" slowly dying and giving way to HIS!

As I wait, I will choose to HIDE in Jesus!!!!
Today I choose to let "my will" die
Today I choose to be vulnerable
Today I choose to trust in HIM!!

Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

When God says "Wait"

I came across this amazing poem and it really touched my heart...
It reminded me of 2 things:
1: God truly does hear my cries and my requests
2: God does have a plan for me
It may not always be my timing, but there is a purpose for this "waiting" stage!
I pray you find this as encouraging as I did....
If you are waiting on the Lord for an answer, please know that He has a specific purpose and specific timing for you as well!

Wait…
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait".

"Wait? You say, wait! " my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting.... for what?"
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - But you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."
Author Unknown

Picnic!

Spent the day just laying around and relaxing with my two favorite guys:) Travis and Kisser!!



On Saturday Trav decided we needed a little de-stress time, so we packed up the car and the dog and headed to El Dorado Park for a picnic...just our little family!
It was a little cold, but so relaxing!
We love to take pictures wherever we go, Saturday was no different...





Trav took a nap and Kisser (our dog) and I took a walk:)
It was a perfect day! A much needed break from laundry, dishes and cleaning.
A fresh reminder that we are so blessed!
I love my family!

Frustration in the form of Rubella...

Well, there is good news and bad news!
Bad news:
I was so encouraged when I was able to schedule an appointment with my PCP Dr S., for last Thursday. True, I had to miss a little work, true it really wasn't convenient for the office...but I was determined to get this ball rolling!
So when I arrive, and wait for 20 minutes, after I pay my co-pay the receptionist nicely tells me that they don't stock this shot. She then shows me that my chart has notes from Dr S. stating that the Rubella shot needs to be ordered...NOW, working in an office myself, I know that they had plenty of time to look at my chart prior to my coming in for my appointment yet they didn't therefore causing me to leave my work for no reason.

I was comforted by the fact that they can order the shot. So I figured I would give them a few days and call to schedule my next appointment for my shot.
I called the PCP office today to check on the Rubella status...
After being on hold for 20 minutes, "Becky" comes on the line and says that it isn't in yet. (that's office speak for we haven't ordered it yet)..So I ask her if it has been ordered and she says "no, we can only order it in packs of 10 and we don't need 10 of them..we would never use them, plus they are expensive" She then explains that Dr. S is going to call a colleague of his and see if he can purchase just one shot.
I politely let her know that I am waiting for this shot to continue my infertility treatment...She says she is aware and they will call me later today and let me know if Dr. S was able to get me the shot...

Can we all just do a collective heavy sigh.....:(
I have been trying really hard to keep a positive attitude, by I just had to vent today. I am frustrated and feel like no one is hearing me. I made a pledge to be honest with all of you throughout my journey. It will not always be pretty or even make sense but what it will always be honest...
Today I don't feel encouraged
Today I don't feel positive
Today I feel alone

I almost forgot there is good news!
The good news is that my RE office let me know that after I get the Rubella shot I only have to wait a full 30 before I continue my next cycle!!!

Will you pray with me?
Will you pray for me?
Will you join me in prayer for ALL the women that are suffering from infertility. I know I am not alone, and I know this story plays out every day for someone.
Will you pray?

Mothers Day!!

We spent Saturday at Mission Viejo Lake with Trav's family! The weather was sunny but cold:) It was so good to see all of his family, even little baby Carson:) I am truly blessed to have the in-laws that I have!! We love spending time with them:)

Sunday we spent the day with my mom! We had a lot to celebrate this year, it was the first Mothers day after all my moms chemo was done, it was the first photo shoot since she lost all her hair, my sister, (who is also a mom) was celebrating her big weight loss, and me.....I was celebrating my mom!!




I was celebrating the fact that she is cancer free!
I was celebrating her for the AMAZING friend that she is.
I celebrate her for the example of a loving wife that she has been to me
I celebrate her integrity
I celebrate her marriage
I celebrate her health
I celebrate how blessed I am that she is my mom....

She is the most beautiful woman I know! The kindest, most giving, most selfless woman I know and she loves the Lord with ALL her heart! She has taught me so much through the years, but the most important thing she instilled in my life was this:

Jesus first, Jesus always, Jesus Only!
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

Thank you mom for reminding me that He will take care of me....I need just seek His face:)

5 Years ago today....

I married my best-friend, my biggest cheerleader, my partner, my comforter, my sweetie, my LOVE!

You still make me laugh until I have to pee
I feel safe and secure to be the real me
You have wiped away countless tears
Sat with me as I revealed my deepest fears
You are the one I choose to love
5 years ago today...
I made the best decision of my life
I gave myself to be your wife

Thank you for loving me, just as I am
Thank you for trusting me with whole your heart
Thank you for all the encouragement you've given
Thank you for always pointing me to the Lord
Thank you for your never ending support
Thank you for being my friend
Thank you for loving me, just as I am

Can't wait to see what the next year will brings us!!! Whatever it is,I know we will get through it together, side by side:)
Love you Baby!!!!

Slight Detour...(heavy sigh)

Roadblocked, Detour, Turn Around, Slow Down, Change the Route...
My IUI cycle was cancelled. I received the call from my RE yesterday stating that my blood results were in...
And all looks good except my Rubella test. I am not immune to Rubella and they will not continue my treatment until I get my immunization shot.

Rubella is a viral infection that is most serious in pregnant females because it can harm their unborn baby. It is also called German measles or 3-day measles.
If a women is in her 1st trimester of pregnancy and catches the disease her baby has up to a 90% chance of being born deaf, blind, mentally retarded, with heart defects or stillborn. These conditions are referred to as Congenital Rubella Syndrome (CRS).

The Plan:
Get Rubella vaccine!!!! I have an appointment tomorrow for the shot BUT you have to wait anywhere from 1-6 months AFTER the shot to try to conceive. Bummer right?

So we are currently in the "waiting" stage. We are disappointed, but very glad that the Dr's. were smart enough to find this and the action required is easy! It's the waiting that will be tough. The waiting that hurts my heart. The waiting that gets me discouraged, the waiting that isn't easy...BUT
Part of living as a believer is making the choice to follow God even when it isn't easy. When our prayers are not answered in the ways we had hoped and when God says "WAIT" or even "NO" to the things we have been dreaming of. That is when we have to choose which way we will go. We can walk away and say "fine, if that's the way it is, I don't want to be a part" or we can choose to say "Yes, Lord" and accept His answer without understanding it simply because we trust His heart.

Travis and I say "Yes, Lord we will wait"
Isaiah 55:8 My (God's) thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways

What we hope to see...

I wonder if I can force my body to produce follicles? I've tried mind-control by concentrating on follicles and eggs, I've dreamt about follicles, I've prayed for follicles but tomorrow we will find out if the Clomid worked.

Clomid stimulates the release of hormones necessary for ovulation to occur. When Clomid is used, the hope is that I will produce 2-4 follicles. Follicles are tiny fluid-filled sacs which carry and egg. The more follicles I have, the more possible eggs I have!
Each follicle must be within 16-24 mm in size. The size of the follicles dictates whether or not it contains a viable egg. If the ultrasound indicates that the follicles are not big enough, the IUI is cancelled and I am put on a stronger dosage of the Clomid, and we try again in a month.
If the follicles are big enough and the Doctors like what they see at tomorrows ultrasound, then we move forward!!!!

Moving forward means that Travis will be instructed on how to administer a shot to me, and I will be taking Progesterone daily..(yay! more meds)
The shot is called a "Trigger" shot, once the shot has been given, I will ovulate within 34 hours. This allows them to specifically time the IUI with my ovulation.

Wheewwwwwwww! Did you get all that? I had NO idea that so much was involved and that there are many steps in just one Cycle of an IUI.
Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement. Travis and I are truly blessed with such amazing friends and family!!!
I will let you know how the ultrasound goes tomorrow!!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to Him,
and He will make your paths straight.

Outbursts...Day 7

Are you the type of person that reads the labels on all the medication that you are taking? Do you read the possible side effects and imagine that you have EVERY single on of them all at that very minute???
I have taken Clomid before, so I was aware of what it can do to my emotional state, but had forgotten the physical side effects...
UNTIL I did the forbidden act of: READING THE SIDE EFFECTS FROM THE LABEL!!!!!
WARNING:
The following adverse events have been reported in patients in clinical trials: Acute abdomen, appetite increase, constipation, dermatitis or rash, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, hair loss/dry hair, increased urinary frequency/volume, insomnia, light-headedness, nervous tension, vertigo, weight gain/loss

Translation: Carey will experience big appetite, constipation, rashes, bouts of tears for no reason, don't want to get off the couch-ism, dizziness, frequent trips to the toilet, nervous energy and getting fat or possible thin......
WOW!! And they prescribe this to people who are trying to have more intimacy with their husbands..hahah!!! IRONIC right?

I just have to sit back and laugh and try not to take myself too seriously!
Yesterday, I had more of the emotional side effects, I call them my "mini outbursts"
They can happen at ANY moment, with ANYONE, for ANY reason or no reason at all...
Yesterday I experienced several "mini outburst"...
I feel the need to share some of them so I can truly see the ridiculousness of them!
#1: Trav lost his wallet, OUTBURST
#2: My dress didn't make me feel pretty, OUTBURST
#3: Chicken salad, that's all I can say for now: OUTBURST
#4: Pharmacy shipped my meds to wrong location: OUTBURST
#5: My dog stepped on my toes: OUTBURST

Ridiculous right? Today as I wait at home for more meds to be delivered, I am reminded of how truly blessed and fortunate Travis and I are.
We are remiss if we only focus on the negative side effects, if we only remember the hard times of this journey. I MUST shed light on the good also, and the good far outweighs any "mini outburst". Travis and I are closer than we have ever been, I have new friendships due to our common struggle, both of our families are supportive and so much more!!!

This is not only a quest for our own family, but a quest to understand the Lord better and to learn to trust in Him. If we strip away all the meds, the Doctors, the test...we are left with the simple truth that if the Lord wants us to have a baby...WE WILL!!!!!
He is in control, always was and always will be:) Enough said...

Confessions of an IUI Cycle #1

Confession #1: IUI is intrauterine insemination, or artificial insemination, in which specially washed sperm is injected through the cervix directly into the uterus. ...
Confession #2: Often IUI is accompanied by fertility drugs, such as Clomid
Confession #3: We are entering our first cycle of IUI!

We have been trying to conceive for about 4 years now and our journey has led us to try IUI. We have researched all our options, prepared ourselves for the blood tests, the ultrasounds, the uncomfortable conversations...But nothing could have prepared me for the emotional side of IUI.
Every day of my "cycle" is laid out, most days an action is required, be it taking a pill, a temperature, a measurement or a shot. Every day is another reminder that this is soooo not natural, that this isn't the normal way to have a baby...essentially that "I" am not normal.

Confession #4: I am scared. I am scared that it won't work, a little terrified that it will work. I am afraid to have hope, and fearful of what will happen if I do.

I had my first ultrasound today on CD(cycle-day) 5, today I will start Clomid 50mg for 5 days. My next ultrasound will be on CD 12....and that is as far as we can plan right now. Each week our tests results tell us if we can move forward to the next step...
So right now, we wait and try to adjust to our "new normal".

Confession #5: I'm secretly EXCITED!!!