Philippians 4:8-9

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Heartache and joy

Have you ever experienced PURE JOY and extreme SADNESS at the same moment?
Have you ever felt your heart ripping in half while experience the excitement of new life?

Let me stop writing in riddles and explain..
Most of you know that last year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent Chemo and has been in remission for the past several months...or so we thought.
Moms cancer is back, this time it spread to her bones and she is in stage 4 bone cancer. The cancer is in her spine, her kidneys, her liver and several other parts of her body. The pain is unbearable for her at times. She is undergoing radiation and chemo right now...The prognosis isn't good.
Forgive me if my writing reads more like a child, I apologize...It is hard to put into words something that I truly can't comprehend. I NEVER imagined losing my mom at such an early age, I NEVER imagined that she wouldn't be there for my children, I NEVER thought about my life without my mommy...I just never imagined....

In the midst of all of this..there is hope:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Hope comes in many forms, right now that form is that of 2 precious unborn babies that are growing in my belly!
Hope of a faithful God, that He does listen to our prayers! He plans to prosper me, not to harm, He gives me a future and a hope.
I believe the best Hope of all is that He has a plan...it's all going to be ok, He is in control.
Please hear my heart here... I have questions, I have bitterness, I have a hard time comprehending a loving God taking my mom from me at this time in my life, I have anger...The biggest one being my "WHY?"..
Why now Lord?
Why my mom?

In my "human-ness" I want different answers, I want Him to heal my mom. In my spirit, I want His will for my mom and for myself as well...even if it tears my heart out in the process.
It has been a daily struggle for me to release what my flesh wants for what my spirit wants...
HOWEVER...
I choose to believe my God, I choose to lay all my life, my expectations, my futures, my hopes, my children at His feet...He calms my fears with a simple response..."I am in control, my timing is PERFECT...

My prayer is that the Lord would not waste my pain, not waste my struggle, not waste my heartache..that He would use me to reach others that are hurting and struggling with the "whys" of life...

Ultimately this isn't about me or my mom or my pregnancy...This is about choosing to believe, in whatever circumstance, that God is in full control and He has a plan...
I want to give God ALL the glory, only look to Him for comfort and answers!!
Only He has the perfect plan for me and for you:)

2 comments:

Colleen said...

Carey, you are such an amazingly beautiful woman of God. You are so totally right in what you said - He does have a plan, even though that doesn't make it any less painful. I love you sister and will be here alongside you. I am praying.

Laura Krämer said...

*sigh*
I love you are being real through this. It will help others in their own journey. Praying for you through the heartache and joy...