Infertility Update

I finally found a pharmacy that would administer my Rubella shot! Trav and I were out for a late night snack and we walked into a Rite Aid. Did you know they now offer all kinds of immunizations, so we thought we would ask about a MMR (adult) shot! Thank you to Kelly at the Los Alamitos Rite Aide!
I GOT MY SHOT!!!

I only have about 2 more weeks to wait before we can continue with our treatment...or rather, start over with our treatment!

My mom wanted to make sure that everyone knows she DID get my shots when I was a little girl! I had the Rubella shot in 1979:) Thank you mom for taking care of me:)
She called me today when she found my shot records...as well as all my report cards and my school pictures!
I declined her offer to take all my report cards back, and she can keep all those awful "awkward" pictures too!

Romans 8:28
In all things God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose

You are Enough!!

After a very emotional evening, I needed a word, a whisper, a gentle reminder of my hearts purpose!
I found myself looking to the Psalms for answers, encouragement, anything that would give my heart peace...

Psalm 63:3-5 (New Living Translation)
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
You satisfy me more than the richest feast.
I will praise you with songs of joy.

His love is better than ANYTHING...even the blessing of a child
How I praise Him
I will praise YOU as long as I live...even if I never hear the tender words "I love you mommy"
Lifting my hands, my sorrows, my dreams, my heart to YOU in prayer
You satisfy me me more than the finest foods...even chocolate:)
I WILL PRAISE YOU!

This Psalm points me back to the basics!!!
His love is better than anything else!!
Prayer + Worship + Praise = Purpose!!!!
I will praise YOU! This is my focus, my purpose, my daily goal!
Thank you Lord for the simple reminder that YOU are my purpose...
Teach me Lord to look outside of my situation to see you at work.
Teach me that serving You is purpose enough for me.
You are enough!

Wait means "Hide"...Right??

When God said "wait" to me, my heart hears HIDE..
Hide your disappointment
Hide your true feelings
Hide from those that just don't "get it"
Hide yourself from those that are pregnant
Hide yourself from babies
Hide yourself in the comfort of your house
Just HIDE

Hide: to put or keep out of sight, to cover up, to conceal..Most of us hide a portion of ourselves from others. The parts that we aren't proud of, the things that we think are not acceptable, the innermost parts of our hearts and the fears that run so deep within us we cannot.. will not.. speak of them.
What I have found to be true of myself is that I hide when things don't go my way or when things are difficult.
I revert back to my 5 year old self...I throw an adult tantrum, arguing with the Lord, pleading with Him for "my way", kicking and screaming inside my heart and I hide beneath the comfort of my throw blanket...all while laying on my couch.
While I know the Lords wants us to have the heart of children, I highly doubt that was what he meant.

My desire to hide is fear driven. I fear that if people truly knew how I felt, they would reject me. So in an effort to protect myself, I hide. Self-preservation keeps me hiding from people...

I have yet to understand why I choose to hide from the Lord. I keep my disappointments to myself, I hide my frustration, I hide my anger, I hide my dreams, I hide myself.
There is a very old song called "You are my hiding place"...
You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You! I will trust in You!
This song reminds me that HE is my hiding place. So often I forget that He is the one I can run to. He can handle my "truth", He can handle my raw emotions. HE is my comfort, not my blankie. I am not a child, BUT I am HIS princess...HE can still hold me and quiet my tears. He views my adult tantrums as a good thing! It is a side effect of "my will" slowly dying and giving way to HIS!

As I wait, I will choose to HIDE in Jesus!!!!
Today I choose to let "my will" die
Today I choose to be vulnerable
Today I choose to trust in HIM!!

Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

When God says "Wait"

I came across this amazing poem and it really touched my heart...
It reminded me of 2 things:
1: God truly does hear my cries and my requests
2: God does have a plan for me
It may not always be my timing, but there is a purpose for this "waiting" stage!
I pray you find this as encouraging as I did....
If you are waiting on the Lord for an answer, please know that He has a specific purpose and specific timing for you as well!

Wait…
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait".

"Wait? You say, wait! " my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting.... for what?"
He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine,
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - But you wouldn't know Me.

You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save.... (for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that "My grace is sufficient for Thee."
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, Oh, the loss! If I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "WAIT."
Author Unknown

Picnic!

Spent the day just laying around and relaxing with my two favorite guys:) Travis and Kisser!!



On Saturday Trav decided we needed a little de-stress time, so we packed up the car and the dog and headed to El Dorado Park for a picnic...just our little family!
It was a little cold, but so relaxing!
We love to take pictures wherever we go, Saturday was no different...





Trav took a nap and Kisser (our dog) and I took a walk:)
It was a perfect day! A much needed break from laundry, dishes and cleaning.
A fresh reminder that we are so blessed!
I love my family!

Frustration in the form of Rubella...

Well, there is good news and bad news!
Bad news:
I was so encouraged when I was able to schedule an appointment with my PCP Dr S., for last Thursday. True, I had to miss a little work, true it really wasn't convenient for the office...but I was determined to get this ball rolling!
So when I arrive, and wait for 20 minutes, after I pay my co-pay the receptionist nicely tells me that they don't stock this shot. She then shows me that my chart has notes from Dr S. stating that the Rubella shot needs to be ordered...NOW, working in an office myself, I know that they had plenty of time to look at my chart prior to my coming in for my appointment yet they didn't therefore causing me to leave my work for no reason.

I was comforted by the fact that they can order the shot. So I figured I would give them a few days and call to schedule my next appointment for my shot.
I called the PCP office today to check on the Rubella status...
After being on hold for 20 minutes, "Becky" comes on the line and says that it isn't in yet. (that's office speak for we haven't ordered it yet)..So I ask her if it has been ordered and she says "no, we can only order it in packs of 10 and we don't need 10 of them..we would never use them, plus they are expensive" She then explains that Dr. S is going to call a colleague of his and see if he can purchase just one shot.
I politely let her know that I am waiting for this shot to continue my infertility treatment...She says she is aware and they will call me later today and let me know if Dr. S was able to get me the shot...

Can we all just do a collective heavy sigh.....:(
I have been trying really hard to keep a positive attitude, by I just had to vent today. I am frustrated and feel like no one is hearing me. I made a pledge to be honest with all of you throughout my journey. It will not always be pretty or even make sense but what it will always be honest...
Today I don't feel encouraged
Today I don't feel positive
Today I feel alone

I almost forgot there is good news!
The good news is that my RE office let me know that after I get the Rubella shot I only have to wait a full 30 before I continue my next cycle!!!

Will you pray with me?
Will you pray for me?
Will you join me in prayer for ALL the women that are suffering from infertility. I know I am not alone, and I know this story plays out every day for someone.
Will you pray?

Mothers Day!!

We spent Saturday at Mission Viejo Lake with Trav's family! The weather was sunny but cold:) It was so good to see all of his family, even little baby Carson:) I am truly blessed to have the in-laws that I have!! We love spending time with them:)

Sunday we spent the day with my mom! We had a lot to celebrate this year, it was the first Mothers day after all my moms chemo was done, it was the first photo shoot since she lost all her hair, my sister, (who is also a mom) was celebrating her big weight loss, and me.....I was celebrating my mom!!




I was celebrating the fact that she is cancer free!
I was celebrating her for the AMAZING friend that she is.
I celebrate her for the example of a loving wife that she has been to me
I celebrate her integrity
I celebrate her marriage
I celebrate her health
I celebrate how blessed I am that she is my mom....

She is the most beautiful woman I know! The kindest, most giving, most selfless woman I know and she loves the Lord with ALL her heart! She has taught me so much through the years, but the most important thing she instilled in my life was this:

Jesus first, Jesus always, Jesus Only!
Matthew 6:33 (NLT)
33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

Thank you mom for reminding me that He will take care of me....I need just seek His face:)

5 Years ago today....

I married my best-friend, my biggest cheerleader, my partner, my comforter, my sweetie, my LOVE!

You still make me laugh until I have to pee
I feel safe and secure to be the real me
You have wiped away countless tears
Sat with me as I revealed my deepest fears
You are the one I choose to love
5 years ago today...
I made the best decision of my life
I gave myself to be your wife

Thank you for loving me, just as I am
Thank you for trusting me with whole your heart
Thank you for all the encouragement you've given
Thank you for always pointing me to the Lord
Thank you for your never ending support
Thank you for being my friend
Thank you for loving me, just as I am

Can't wait to see what the next year will brings us!!! Whatever it is,I know we will get through it together, side by side:)
Love you Baby!!!!

Slight Detour...(heavy sigh)

Roadblocked, Detour, Turn Around, Slow Down, Change the Route...
My IUI cycle was cancelled. I received the call from my RE yesterday stating that my blood results were in...
And all looks good except my Rubella test. I am not immune to Rubella and they will not continue my treatment until I get my immunization shot.

Rubella is a viral infection that is most serious in pregnant females because it can harm their unborn baby. It is also called German measles or 3-day measles.
If a women is in her 1st trimester of pregnancy and catches the disease her baby has up to a 90% chance of being born deaf, blind, mentally retarded, with heart defects or stillborn. These conditions are referred to as Congenital Rubella Syndrome (CRS).

The Plan:
Get Rubella vaccine!!!! I have an appointment tomorrow for the shot BUT you have to wait anywhere from 1-6 months AFTER the shot to try to conceive. Bummer right?

So we are currently in the "waiting" stage. We are disappointed, but very glad that the Dr's. were smart enough to find this and the action required is easy! It's the waiting that will be tough. The waiting that hurts my heart. The waiting that gets me discouraged, the waiting that isn't easy...BUT
Part of living as a believer is making the choice to follow God even when it isn't easy. When our prayers are not answered in the ways we had hoped and when God says "WAIT" or even "NO" to the things we have been dreaming of. That is when we have to choose which way we will go. We can walk away and say "fine, if that's the way it is, I don't want to be a part" or we can choose to say "Yes, Lord" and accept His answer without understanding it simply because we trust His heart.

Travis and I say "Yes, Lord we will wait"
Isaiah 55:8 My (God's) thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways

What we hope to see...

I wonder if I can force my body to produce follicles? I've tried mind-control by concentrating on follicles and eggs, I've dreamt about follicles, I've prayed for follicles but tomorrow we will find out if the Clomid worked.

Clomid stimulates the release of hormones necessary for ovulation to occur. When Clomid is used, the hope is that I will produce 2-4 follicles. Follicles are tiny fluid-filled sacs which carry and egg. The more follicles I have, the more possible eggs I have!
Each follicle must be within 16-24 mm in size. The size of the follicles dictates whether or not it contains a viable egg. If the ultrasound indicates that the follicles are not big enough, the IUI is cancelled and I am put on a stronger dosage of the Clomid, and we try again in a month.
If the follicles are big enough and the Doctors like what they see at tomorrows ultrasound, then we move forward!!!!

Moving forward means that Travis will be instructed on how to administer a shot to me, and I will be taking Progesterone daily..(yay! more meds)
The shot is called a "Trigger" shot, once the shot has been given, I will ovulate within 34 hours. This allows them to specifically time the IUI with my ovulation.

Wheewwwwwwww! Did you get all that? I had NO idea that so much was involved and that there are many steps in just one Cycle of an IUI.
Thank you for all your prayers and encouragement. Travis and I are truly blessed with such amazing friends and family!!!
I will let you know how the ultrasound goes tomorrow!!

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to Him,
and He will make your paths straight.