To Be Known...
One of my greatest desires, is to know people and to be truly known by them.
One of my greatest struggles is to get to know people and to let people know me
My most intimate desire, is my biggest fear.
Fear of being rejected, fear of being judged...lots of fears, too many fears...
T and I have moved around a little in the 3 years we have been married,
this has just grown my desire and handicapped it at the same time.
We have been in Long Beach for 2 years now (having moved from Orange County), and have finally found our church home, but have yet to find our “hearts” home with friends...
My heart crys out to be connected, to be encouraged, to be challenged, to be an encourager and to be a challenger. I fear I push some people away due to my fears, but I'm learning to push through the insecurities and allow people in.. I HAVE to!
In my past friendships, I am usually the one that is calling or trying to keep in touch with friends.
But more recently I have discovered that my heart has been hurt. It hurts me that I am usually the one reaching out, it hurts me that my sister and I aren't close, it hurts me that I am usually the one that people “share” with, but rarely asked to share about myself, it hurts me that I feel insignificant.
It hurts me that I don't have the courage to be myself and am always trying to please people...
Ugh, I've been just plain hurt, by people and by myself by not allowing myself to show vulnerability.
I guess I'm sharing this because I feel seriously sorry for myself...I'm down.
This is me venting my heart.....
Through all this I have found that I don't trust people...I have been hurt so much by gossip (in the past) the worst kind, gossip in the church...gossip of things shared in confidence, then turned around and shared as “prayer requests” to others. I don't trust the smiles, until I see them in action.
One of my greatest desires, is to know people and to be truly known by them.
One of my greatest struggles is to get to know people and to let people know me
This is me venting my heart...
Jeremiah 29:11 The Message I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
Philippians 4:8-9
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
2 comments:
I'm sorry that you feel this way because I know that you have been very significant in my life. I love you and I am here. Every one has been hurt and will continue to be hurt, even by those who are supposed to love them the most. We can not change that no matter what we do. All we can do is pray for these people that they will allow God to come into their heart and cleanse them. I am sorry that you ahve been used, it has to be difficult. But I want to encourage you to turn your life around. Stop worrying about what others think, stop trying to protect everyone and just be your self. It is not your responsibility to try and change everyone. I believe that if you try you will come to realize that it is so much easier to be your self and once you do God may open doors that you thought were non existent. I love you!
You have too much of your mother in you, Carey. You know all the answers in your head, but once in a while you get overwhelmed by your emotions and they shout louder than what your know is true and pure and noble and praiseworthy and all those other things in Phil. 4:8. I love you. We sang a song on Easter that really hit my heart (in a good way). "And when the earth fades, falls from my eyes. I stand before you--I know you love me. I know you love me." "At the cross, I bow my knee, where your blood was shed for me. There's no greater love than this. You have overcome the grave. Your glory fills the highest place. What can separate me now? You tore the veil! You made a way! When you said that it is done!" My favorite part and what touched me is standing before the Lord at the end of my life with no fear knowing with no doubt that HE LOVES ME. Isn't that awesome?
MOM
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