Outbursts...Day 7

Are you the type of person that reads the labels on all the medication that you are taking? Do you read the possible side effects and imagine that you have EVERY single on of them all at that very minute???
I have taken Clomid before, so I was aware of what it can do to my emotional state, but had forgotten the physical side effects...
UNTIL I did the forbidden act of: READING THE SIDE EFFECTS FROM THE LABEL!!!!!
WARNING:
The following adverse events have been reported in patients in clinical trials: Acute abdomen, appetite increase, constipation, dermatitis or rash, depression, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, hair loss/dry hair, increased urinary frequency/volume, insomnia, light-headedness, nervous tension, vertigo, weight gain/loss

Translation: Carey will experience big appetite, constipation, rashes, bouts of tears for no reason, don't want to get off the couch-ism, dizziness, frequent trips to the toilet, nervous energy and getting fat or possible thin......
WOW!! And they prescribe this to people who are trying to have more intimacy with their husbands..hahah!!! IRONIC right?

I just have to sit back and laugh and try not to take myself too seriously!
Yesterday, I had more of the emotional side effects, I call them my "mini outbursts"
They can happen at ANY moment, with ANYONE, for ANY reason or no reason at all...
Yesterday I experienced several "mini outburst"...
I feel the need to share some of them so I can truly see the ridiculousness of them!
#1: Trav lost his wallet, OUTBURST
#2: My dress didn't make me feel pretty, OUTBURST
#3: Chicken salad, that's all I can say for now: OUTBURST
#4: Pharmacy shipped my meds to wrong location: OUTBURST
#5: My dog stepped on my toes: OUTBURST

Ridiculous right? Today as I wait at home for more meds to be delivered, I am reminded of how truly blessed and fortunate Travis and I are.
We are remiss if we only focus on the negative side effects, if we only remember the hard times of this journey. I MUST shed light on the good also, and the good far outweighs any "mini outburst". Travis and I are closer than we have ever been, I have new friendships due to our common struggle, both of our families are supportive and so much more!!!

This is not only a quest for our own family, but a quest to understand the Lord better and to learn to trust in Him. If we strip away all the meds, the Doctors, the test...we are left with the simple truth that if the Lord wants us to have a baby...WE WILL!!!!!
He is in control, always was and always will be:) Enough said...

Confessions of an IUI Cycle #1

Confession #1: IUI is intrauterine insemination, or artificial insemination, in which specially washed sperm is injected through the cervix directly into the uterus. ...
Confession #2: Often IUI is accompanied by fertility drugs, such as Clomid
Confession #3: We are entering our first cycle of IUI!

We have been trying to conceive for about 4 years now and our journey has led us to try IUI. We have researched all our options, prepared ourselves for the blood tests, the ultrasounds, the uncomfortable conversations...But nothing could have prepared me for the emotional side of IUI.
Every day of my "cycle" is laid out, most days an action is required, be it taking a pill, a temperature, a measurement or a shot. Every day is another reminder that this is soooo not natural, that this isn't the normal way to have a baby...essentially that "I" am not normal.

Confession #4: I am scared. I am scared that it won't work, a little terrified that it will work. I am afraid to have hope, and fearful of what will happen if I do.

I had my first ultrasound today on CD(cycle-day) 5, today I will start Clomid 50mg for 5 days. My next ultrasound will be on CD 12....and that is as far as we can plan right now. Each week our tests results tell us if we can move forward to the next step...
So right now, we wait and try to adjust to our "new normal".

Confession #5: I'm secretly EXCITED!!!

Storm!!!

As I was driving to work today, I was reminiscing about this past year.
All the good, the bad and the ugly! This past year has been an AMAZING year as well as an EXTREMELY CHALLENGING year!

AMAZING in ways that I can't really put into words.(but I will try) AMAZING watching my dad care for my mom as she went through surgery, chemo, the loss of her hair and all the emotional ups and downs. The way my dad was there for her through EVERY step and EVERY emotion. He not only drove her to all her appointments, but sat with her and held her hand when she needed, cried with her, laughed with her, protected her, held her, served her, and above all... gently turned her face to the Lord when she was overwhelmed. My dads strength throughout this journey has been inspiring!! I know my dads strength only comes from the Lord!!
AMAZING friends that have become family!! Sweet friends that have walked the infertility road before me and can offer not only support, but a shoulder to cry on and hands to pray with. Crazy friends that we can laugh with, friends with wisdom to walk beside us.

CHALLENGING in so many different ways. I (Carey) have had more dental work done this year than my whole life..(slight exaggeration). BUT, we don't have dental insurance, so that hurts more than just my mouth!
CHALLENGING financially. Due to lots of car trouble, lots of medical expenses! Loss of friendships, that I thought would last forever. Loss of my precious doggie Fugazi, and loss of hope. Hope that someday I would be a mom. I'm still working through this one because this one is heartbreaking.
CHALLENGING in the fact that through all the infertility testing we have gone through, they still cannot find a "reason" that we can't conceive.

No matter what this past year has thrown at us, one thing has remained calm and consistent...The Lord is the glue that holds my family together!!! I would call this last year a "STORM", and as I listened to the words of this song by Casting Crowns, I am reminded that:

I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise YOU in this storm!!

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

So I will praise Him and thank Him!!!! Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me and praise You, for You are ALWAYS in control!!

Favorite Recipes!!

My favorite time of year!! The time when the "special" recipes come out, you know the ones that have been passed down or shared just between your family!!
Well, this following recipes are passed down from my boss. He is an AMAZING cook!!! (and boss too)
I know ANY recipe that he gives me is excellent:)
Below are 2 of my favorite dessert recipes from him! They will impress your friends and family! PLUS they taste delicious too!

CHOCOLATE PECAN PIE
Ingredients:
1 3/4 Cups Pecans
3/4 Cup semisweet chocolate chips
1 unbaked 9 inch pie shell (Mrs. Smiths)
4 Eggs, beaten
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup light brown sugar (packed)
1/2 cup corn syrup (Karro)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract(not imitation)
Pinch of salt
Preheat oven to 375 Spread the pecan pieces and the chocolate chips evenly on the bottom of the pie shell

In a mixing bowl, whisk the remaining ingredients together. Pour the filling over the pecans. Bake until the filling sets 50-60 minutes
Remove from oven and cool for 30 minutes before slicing!!!
Enjoy

CHOCOLATE PECAN OATMEAL COOKIES
Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups pecans
1/2 pd unsalted butter at room temp
1 cup dark brown sugar, lightly packed
1 cup granulated sugar
2 extra large eggs at room temp
2 tsp pure vanilla extract (no imitations)
1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp salt
3 cups old fashioned oatmeal
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips
Preheat oven to 350Place pecans on a sheet pan and bake for 5 minutes until crisp. Set aside to cool

In a bowl, beat butter, brown sugar and sugar together on med..beat until light and fluffy. With mixer on low add eggs one at a time ad the vanilla

Sift the flour, baking powder, cinnamon and salt together in a medium bowl. With mixer on low, slowly add the fry ingredients to butter mixture. Add the oats, chocolate chips and pecans and mix with your hand until the flour is incorporated.

Using a small ice cream scoop drop 2 inch mounds of dough on baking sheet. Flatten the dough mounds slightly. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes, until lightly browned.
Cool completely before eating!

Pumpkin Time!!

It's pumpkin carvin' time..yeeeeehawwwwwww!
I have been begging Trav to carve pumpkins for 3 years now, but we always run out of time to actually do it...Not this year!! Over the weekend Trav grew so tired of my whining that he took me and some sweet friends to do it right!
By right I mean, to the pumpkin patch we drove...followed by the obligatory pumpkin patch pics...then off to some grub...then finally to the cutting!!!!
Such a perfect day to relax, laugh and get my carvin' on!!!!

Perspective!!!

Due to my previous post...most of my friends and parents were worried about me:)
I am OK! Merely sharing my heart with you.
HOWEVER, having said that, God always shows up! No matter what the situation is, He will show up and show off!
NEVER before have Trav and I talked about the positive side to being MNK..(married, no kids)(yet).
I have always viewed it as such a negative that I haven't even considered there being anything positive about it...UNTIL NOW!!
I decided to make a list of all the positive so that I could reflect back on these words when needed.

Because we don't have children(yet):
We have more time!!! More time means we can serve in a ministry! We currently are serving in the Youth ministry at our church! And from that ministry have come friendships that keep me grounded in the Lord and focused on His will...not mine..

We can focus on our marriage! We joined a marriage group that has opened up so many more doors for us! Thru those relationships we have been able to do Monthly Family Game Nights!
As a direct result of a marriage group, my sweet friend Deneva and I were able to plan, organize and coordinate the Women's Retreat last year, and we are working on next year as we speak! Travis has meet amazing Godly men that have shown him anything from how to install an air conditioner to playing computer games:)
We unofficially became part of the Buffum family! They live 5 minutes from us and have been a HUGE blessing to our marriage and to our backs:)....their jacuzzi works wonders!

We joined the volleyball team!! Nate and Elise invited us! Elise cuts my hair and I always enjoy our times together! She is always honest and seems to always bring a new perspective to things...Nate is Travs go-to guy for prayer.

It's all about perspective!! I choose today to have Gods Perspective and realize how blessed we truly are and rest in the peace that comes with knowing the God is in control!!!
Thank you Lord for blessing the Covey's

Action = Results??....not today

Many of us expect that if we work out, we will feel better and lose inches
If we stop smoking we will be healthier
If we get an oil change on our car, it will run better
We naturally expect that our ACTION = RESULTS.
OR
that if we don't like something, we can easily change it!
If we don't like our clothes.....just change our outfit
If we don't like our hair....just dye it a different color
If we don't like our home....well, just move
You get the idea....

We develop a false sense that we can control or manipulate our circumstances with these "quick fixes". That WE are indeed in the drivers seat of our life. We believe that if we don't like something....just change it or ourselves!! We are a "control" driven society.

BUT, what happens when we realize that much is beyond our control and that we are NOT indeed in the drivers seat?

As many of you know Trav and I have been trying to start our family. This year has been a series of appointments, blood tests, medication, procedures and disappointments. Month after month we follow the "instructions" and month after month we see NO results.
I am NOT in control. I am NOT in the drivers seat.

Today I took another pregnancy test, today I suffered another heartbreak, today I wonder if I will ever be a mom, today I wonder if my husband is disappointed in me, today I sit here broken, today I long to hold a baby, today I fail to see the beauty of just being a wife, today I hope for the day that I may dedicate my child to the Lord, today I sit here confused, angry, bitter and NOT in control....today I sit sharing my heart with my friends.

Normally this is where I end with a pretty bow, and make it all nice nice....
Not today, just not today.......
Today, much is beyond my control
Today, Action does NOT = Results