Heartache and joy

Have you ever experienced PURE JOY and extreme SADNESS at the same moment?
Have you ever felt your heart ripping in half while experience the excitement of new life?

Let me stop writing in riddles and explain..
Most of you know that last year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent Chemo and has been in remission for the past several months...or so we thought.
Moms cancer is back, this time it spread to her bones and she is in stage 4 bone cancer. The cancer is in her spine, her kidneys, her liver and several other parts of her body. The pain is unbearable for her at times. She is undergoing radiation and chemo right now...The prognosis isn't good.
Forgive me if my writing reads more like a child, I apologize...It is hard to put into words something that I truly can't comprehend. I NEVER imagined losing my mom at such an early age, I NEVER imagined that she wouldn't be there for my children, I NEVER thought about my life without my mommy...I just never imagined....

In the midst of all of this..there is hope:
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Hope comes in many forms, right now that form is that of 2 precious unborn babies that are growing in my belly!
Hope of a faithful God, that He does listen to our prayers! He plans to prosper me, not to harm, He gives me a future and a hope.
I believe the best Hope of all is that He has a plan...it's all going to be ok, He is in control.
Please hear my heart here... I have questions, I have bitterness, I have a hard time comprehending a loving God taking my mom from me at this time in my life, I have anger...The biggest one being my "WHY?"..
Why now Lord?
Why my mom?
In my "human-ness" I want different answers, I want Him to heal my mom. In my spirit, I want His will for my mom and for myself as well...even if it tears my heart out in the process.
It has been a daily struggle for me to release what my flesh wants for what my spirit wants...
HOWEVER...
I choose to believe my God, I choose to lay all my life, my expectations, my futures, my hopes, my children at His feet...He calms my fears with a simple response..."I am in control, my timing is PERFECT...

My prayer is that the Lord would not waste my pain, not waste my struggle, not waste my heartache..that He would use me to reach others that are hurting and struggling with the "whys" of life...

Ultimately this isn't about me or my mom or my pregnancy...This is about choosing to believe, in whatever circumstance, that God is in full control and He has a plan...
I want to give God ALL the glory, only look to Him for comfort and answers!!
Only He has the perfect plan for me and for you:)

I am a MOM part two

The only thing better than finding out you are pregnant....Is finding out that you are having TWINS!!!!!!
That's right, WE ARE HAVING TWINS!!!


2 weeks after we found out we were pregnant, I went in for my first ultrasound. We hadn't planned on Trav coming since we were just confirming the pregnancy. We didn't want him to take time off work just to confirm what we already knew.
BUT, when the day finally arrived...I was so scared! I wanted Trav there with me, I wanted him by my side...mainly out of fear, but I just wanted my best-friend to hold my hand.

As I get to my RE office, I change in to the gown and sit in the room and wait...
I waited for 25 minutes in that room. I was doing breathing exercises to stay calm and singing a song I didn't even know but it brought me such PEACE!! The only words I knew were "It is well, with my soul" I just repeated those words over and over.

The Dr. comes in and we start the ultrasound...there was silence...The nurse June was by my side, rubbing my arm, that's when I saw one of the babies for the first time. The DR. turned the screen so that I could see and showed me a black hole circle thing.

"Do you see it?" he asked
"umm, I just see a black hole" (me)
"yes! That's the baby" he said
Then he did something so AMAZING.....He moved to his right and I saw a glimpse of another black hole
"Wait, what is that?" (me)
"Shh...He is counting the babies" Nurse June
"WHAT?!?!," (me) with tears running down my cheeks and praising the Lord
"Ok, Carey,,,we see 2 babies! You are pregnant with TWINS!" Dr

At that point I just lost it, I was crying for joy and sad that my husband was absent from this incredible moment.
After my secret moments of bliss, the Dr said something that threw me back into reality:
"I can only get one heartbeat, the other is too faint. Let's not tell anyone about the twins yet, let's just wait and see"

Clearly this Dr doesn't know me very well...WAIT AND SEE???
Wait and see what? I see twins and I want to scream it to the world!!
BUT, I take a deep breath and go back to work...knowing secretly that my life is about to get turned upside down....and I can't wait!!!!!!!

To be Continued.............
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

I am ...

A MOM!!!!!! (Part one)

I am 9 weeks pregnant and I am A MOM,
I can talk to my baby
I carry my baby with me all day
I can sing to my baby
I feed my baby
I hold my baby
I can put my baby to sleep
I can pray for my baby
I am 9 weeks pregnant and I am A MOM!!!

Waiting Room...

Working in a Doctor’s office, I am familiar with the "waiting room"....
The purpose of a waiting room is to distract you from realizing that they are actually "behind or late" and they sometimes play a TV to grab your attention or there are the gossip magazines that can draw you in...Or the pamphlets that are from the 70's, or the person next to you that wants to chat...Yes there are many distractions in the waiting room...what you won't find in most waiting rooms is A CLOCK!!!
No record of how long you have been in that room, no record of the time you have wasted, no record of it at all.

The waiting room I currently reside in is one that I have been in for years...the waiting room of "infertility".In THIS room there are not many distractions...only reminders. Reminders that everyone has been called in to see the Dr., but not me, reminders of a life I so desire, but have to "wait: for. In this room there is a constant reminder of the "time"...month to month I am reminded of my un-meet desires.
My room holds no promise that I will ever actually venture inside.
The waiting room is my life...

There are others that are in this room with me, other hearts that ache to hold their own baby, other women that have experienced the blessing of a growing belly, then without warning...been sent back to the waiting room, there are many that sit beside me , many that have cried with me, and many more that have silently suffered.
As I look around the room, I pray. I pray for the broken hearts to be healed, for the tears to be wiped away, I pray for MY heart to begin to heal, for the pain that comes when we see another pregnant woman, for the frustration of the "unexplained" diagnosis, I pray for the horrible mood swings caused by hormone injections, I pray for all our husbands, I pray for the families of the infertile...For the families to understand that this is not our choice...this is not our fault...this is not the time to start buying baby clothes...
This is a time to join us in prayer! Join us in our sadness, join us in our brokenness, let us know that it is OK to feel this way, let us know that we are not disappointing you...Most of all, let us know that you love us just the way we are.

Infertility affects the WHOLE family. There is no cure, no easy answers...We just want our families to sit with us in the "waiting room."
Sit with us, just be with us and maybe just maybe the waiting won't be so bad...

If you know someone that is struggling in this waiting room, will you join me in prayer for them? Will you let them know you are there for them, even if you don't understand, just be there to offer a hug!
Don't leave them alone in that room...just sit with them...just sit:)
Galatians 6:2
2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

"Poke me"

Today was a BIG day.
Today was the day we have been waiting for.
Today was the day that we didn't make it to on our last cycle.
Today was the Cycle 11 day ultrasound...

Today started out like any other Friday, me waking up with the dog right by my face, relaxing until I absolutely have to get up, took a shower, walked the dog and headed out to my appointment...
I failed to realize that I was not appropriately dressed for the "public"...I was in my "at home only" itty bitty, see thru tank top WITH my yoga pants and flip flops:)
ekkkkkkkkk...Before I walked out the door I did have the mind to grab a jacket in case I got cold.
As I am driving to the Dr's..I get cold, so I reach for my jacket and my "jacket" is actually a very dressy turtleneck sweater...At this point I look down and realize what I really have on!!!! I LOVE a good laugh, but on this very important day I was in no mood....
So I did what any other woman in my position would do: I drove DIRECTLY to Kohl's to go buy myself some appropriate clothing that would cover-up the WHOLE outfit...
(you should know that my Dr is in Irvine, and I was driving on the freeway by the time I figured out my outfit sucked)
I did have a good laugh at myself because what I actually purchased was an over sized men's T-shirt that had a picture of the Pillsbury Dough boy on it that said "POKE ME"
My only thinking was go cheap and to go big, something that would just cover...:)
Sometimes I think the Lord allows these things to happen to me, so I can take a moment to just breath and turn my eyes toward him and not me......ahh man was I an "interesting" sight at the Dr's.

Fast Forward 1 hour:
The Dr was pleased to see 2 follicles on the right ovary, each 16mm in size...
So this means that the Clomid did its job and we are right on track for the next step in our IUI cycle.
The next step is the HCG shot. The HCG shot is a "trigger" shot for ovulation, once given the shot I will ovulate within 24-36 hours. Trav received only written instructions on how to administer the shot...ekkkkkkk!!
He says the shot is the part he is the most nervous about..:)
We have to set an alarm for early Sunday morning for 1am...The shot is VERY time sensitive, so it MUST be done at this time only.

We have the IUI scheduled for Monday the 27th at 11am!!!!!!!
We are very excited to take the next step in the Cycle...this will be new territory for us, but we are ready!!!
To my amazement, Dr A never once questioned my choice of shirt, or the flip flops!!!

I am strangley peaceful...
Today was a BIG day, yet I felt peace throughout
Today I feel good!
I am at Peace

Here we go again!!!

We have officially started our 2nd cycle of IUI....truly our first FULL cycle of IUI.
I had the first ultrasound on Thursday and the Doctor said we were good to start all the medication!
He also said a few things that caused me alarm:
The lining of my uterus is thick..."Many women have conceived with thick lining"
I have a large Fibroid..."But it isn't in the way of your ovaries, unless it grows or we see more at the next ultrasound"
My left ovary was "hiding", being pushed by the Fibroid
My uterus is tilted..."This isn't a reason for infertility"

Dr. A said that none of these are a reason for infertility, and most women can conceive with one of more of these...BUT I left that appointment really confused.
I am really bad at thinking in the moment. If I have any questions, they usually come to me a day after the appointment or when I try to relay the information to Trav. Trav is good at "on the spot" thinking, therefore he always gets his questions answered. When I go by myself, I almost never get my questions answered...at the time of the appointment I really don't have any!

After talking with Trav, he is going to my next ultrasound. I'm really looking forward to having him by my side and him being able to ask the right questions.
The Cycle 10 day ultrasound is new territory for us, and this is the appointment where the Dr. can see if the medication is working.
When Clomid is used, the hope is that I will produce 2-4 follicles. Follicles are tiny fluid-filled sacs which carry and egg. The more follicles I have, the more possible eggs I have!
Each follicle must be within 16-24 mm in size. The size of the follicles dictates whether or not it contains a viable egg. If the ultrasound indicates that the follicles are not big enough, the IUI is cancelled and I am put on a stronger dosage of the Clomid, and we try again in a month.

Please join us in prayer as the anticipation and anxiety rises!
Pray for me (Carey) to relax
Pray for the meds to do their thing
Pray for Travis and I...this isn't easy to go thru, it is hard on your marriage, your patience, and your intimacy.

Camping!!!

We took a "mini" camping trip to O'Neill Park over the weekend!
A few of our friends had never been camping before, so Trav being the Eagle Scout that he is, really wanted to take them and show them a good time!
It was probably the fastest camping trip EVER! We only stayed one night, but this turned out to be perfect.



We took a small hike, lots of pictures, played Frisbee and just relaxed. It was a really nice break for Trav, it was so good to see him relaxing. We also celebrated Travs b-day!! Elise made brownies and we sang to him:)


Poor Elise was so sick, you won't see her in any pictures...poor thing...Deneva and I laughed a lot! From her making funny noises to cover up my funny noises, to sticking candy all over our shirts...to playing catch...Whatever we do, we always laugh!


I really enjoyed watching the mother/daughter relationship between Deneva and Megan...It is refreshing to see that they still hold hands and sit laps..I guess, we are always just our mommies little girls


Maddy, Darrin, Ashton and Megan climbed this HUGE tree! Oh man...those kids have so much energy!!!


7 Truths about our camping trip!
1. Yes, Its true...some men read directions
2. Even Eagle Scouts burn themselves on fire
3. Rocks make really good toys for kids
4. Yes....camping is dirty!!
5. Deneva only wore 7 bracelets on the first day:)
6. Trav and I are LOUD
7. It was a PERFECT weekend with friends!!