To Be Known...
One of my greatest desires, is to
know people and to be
truly known by them.
One of my greatest struggles is to get to know people and to let people know me
My most intimate desire, is my biggest fear.
Fear of being rejected, fear of being judged...lots of fears, too many fears...
T and I have moved around a little in the 3 years we have been married,
this has just grown my desire and handicapped it at the same time.
We have been in Long Beach for 2 years now (having moved from Orange County), and have finally found our church home, but have yet to find our “hearts” home with friends...
My heart crys out to be connected, to be encouraged, to be challenged, to be an encourager and to be a challenger. I fear I push some people away due to my fears, but I'm learning to push through the insecurities and allow people in.. I HAVE to!
In my past friendships, I am usually the one that is calling or trying to keep in touch with friends.
But more recently I have discovered that my heart has been hurt. It hurts me that I am usually the one reaching out, it hurts me that my sister and I aren't close, it hurts me that I am usually the one that people “share” with, but rarely asked to share about myself, it hurts me that I feel insignificant.
It hurts me that I don't have the courage to be myself and am always trying to please people...
Ugh, I've been just plain hurt, by people and by myself by not allowing myself to show vulnerability.
I guess I'm sharing this because I feel seriously sorry for myself...I'm down.
This is me venting my heart.....
Through all this I have found that I don't trust people...I have been hurt so much by gossip (in the past) the worst kind, gossip in the church...gossip of things shared in confidence, then turned around and shared as “prayer requests” to others. I don't trust the smiles, until I see them in action.
One of my greatest desires, is to
know people and to be
truly known by them.
One of my greatest struggles is to get to know people and to let people know me
This is me venting my heart...